Self Employment || Month 3

This post is a week late, but I wanted to do a November life re-cap before the holiday craziness gets underway! I'm writing these self employment reflections mainly for myself, because I want to be able to record the beginning of my journey so hopefully I can look back on this season of my life and smile. Ha!

So it's been a quarter of a year since I left the "normal" career path, and it kind of feels like a quarter of a century. Right now, in the moment, I feel like I'm on a roller coaster of excitement, overwhelm, purpose, overwhelm, complete fulfillment, overwhelm, and so on. My highs are higher and my lows are lower. I'm learning that there is so much I have to learn in order to be a successful small business owner--but luckily it's the type of stuff that for the most part I'm super excited about.

If I could define November in one word, it would be BREAKTHROUGH.

I'm just beginning to realize that this adventure, this year, has been the biggest voyage of self discovery that I've ever experienced. Yeah, kind of "duh" when I write it out, but what I'm going through on the INSIDE is shaking me to my core. Without external distractions, I'm literally getting to know myself on a much deeper level and it's kind of scary! Like, it almost feels like entering a new, serious phase of a relationship when you start to feel piercingly vulnerable yet your whole world and future is opening with wonderful possibilities you never imagined. It's intensely personal, but I still feel compelled and desperate to share EVERYTHING with the world, shout it out, shock people out of their complacency and routine. Don't take anything for granted. Don't ever settle for an existence that doesn't completely fulfill you in every way. Have you ever heard the quote "do more of what makes you happy?" Take it seriously. Have you ever been so excited to wake up in the morning and go to work that you can barely sleep? Because what you do is so immensely fulfilling and custom tailored to fit every strength, talent, interest, passion that is uniquely yours, and you aren't afraid of failure because you know you're going to be successful because you are doing what you're designed to do? That is my reality. I'm basically making things up as I go, but I'm starting to weigh every decision based on how it makes me feel and how I WANT to feel. Everything in my life that has ever happened to me, everything I've ever loved, created, accomplished, dreamed, experienced, ever since the beginning of my memory has started to come together and make sense.

This month I learned that your personal story is the most powerful and valuable thing you've got. All anyone ultimately desires is to feel connected to others, and your unique struggles and journey will change lives if you're brave enough to share. The more vulnerable you feel? The more impact you will have.

It's mind blowing, terrifying, shattering, and I've had several 6:30 am breakthroughs while reading a book or journaling in my fluffy bathrobe, crying into my morning smoothie, freaking Ben out as the poor man is simply trying to get out the door on time and head to work because he has a normal routine and a normal job. Thank you Ben for loving, supporting, grounding, dealing, and believing in me, because I wouldn't be able to do this without you.

Yeah, month three of self employment was intense.

What I did
+Flew to Dallas for The Platinum Edge, a Beachbody training conference with two of my amazing coaches Sharayah and Mandy! My brain exploded.
+Experienced PiYo live with Chalene Johnson
+Read The Desire Map, actually defined my Core Desired Feelings, my life and driving purpose suddenly became so clear
+Discovered the magic of E-COURSES!!!!! Uh oh. Brain exploded more.
+Started an e-course on InDesign from nicolesclasses.com
+Started an e-course on Digital Products from Creative Live
+Watched a Pinterest e-course and Branding e-course on Creative Live
+Discovered a trajillion amazing small biz/entrepreneurship/marketing podcasts. More brain explosions.
+Sold my scarves at a holiday bazaar fundraiser
+Rocked a Black Friday sale in the Etsy shop
+Started using Contactually to organize my contacts, and Calendly to organize my phone calls. Introvert's lifesavers! I'm getting legit.
+Ran my first official free "clean eating basics" accountability group
+Started shifting my monthly fitness challenge groups into a new format: 21 day "bootcamps" that are designed to help women develop confidence and learn how to lead a more active, empowered, organized, and inspired life. Stay tuned for more on this...

What I accomplished
+Cleared out our second bedroom and created a home office space (THIS CHANGED EVERYTHING!)
+Started to attempt to follow a monthly/weekly/daily schedule (I know I need more structure, I'm just so bad at implementing it into my life)
+$1,000+ sales in my Etsy shop for the SECOND MONTH IN A ROW! It feels like making money out of thin air. And fabric I guess. Can't get over it.
+Highest Beachbody paycheck ever. Over $730 in one week. I think I can do this network marketing thing...
+My coaching team, Inspire Joy, reached 50 coaches and I'm starting to develop more training and mentorship systems
+Starting to feel like I'm getting everything sooooort of under control...I am developing a clearer vision for my future and both small businesses! It's so fun and exciting and overwhelming ahh! I don't feel fully "legit" quite yet, and need to figure out a lot more business details (accounting, budgeting, marketing, branding, file organization and storage, you know...) but I am no longer QUITE as scared of the things that are over my head.

What I learned
+I already have everything I need to be successful, and need to be confident
+I officially want to be some sort of life coach someday. Yup, you heard it here first. It's happening.
+I will get certified to teach PiYo next year and start teaching it in a fitness studio. This format brings me SO much joy in a live class!
+Creating content is more important than consuming content
+I need to give myself more credit, and less pressure
+I need to define success based on how I feel at the end of the day, instead of how many to-do's I accomplish
+Just because I don't understand something, or because I'm not immediately great, doesn't mean I should avoid it or be afraid to give it a shot.
+I can do anything, but not everything. Do less with more focus!

If you really truly deeply passionately want to take a leap of faith and strike out on your own, let this be a sign to take that first baby step. You can do it, even if you don't know where you're going or how to get there. One step at a time. Stop saying "someday."

TODAY is all we have!

Life is too short to ignore the dreams and passions you've been shoving to the back burner.

Dream BIGGER and chase your joy!

Now I'm just trying to make the most of the holiday season and finish out 2014 strong! I'm starting to think about goals for next year, and I'm slowly starting to shift the emotional balance from overwhelmed to excited. I AM capable of doing this.

Thanks for reading and following along with my journey! I think that over the next few months you'll start to see some huge changes around here, and I can't wait to share them with you.

My word for December: Clarity

what do you do? my career identity crisis

Ah, December. The month of parties, social events, family gatherings, and constant networking with people who are usually either:

A. Old friends/fam who are genuinely interested in your life these days.
B. New acquaintances who are trying to figure out who you are and if they should be friends with you.

Last Saturday night Ben and I found ourselves in the crowded and loud back room of a nearby bar, munching on quesadillas and cheap beer (him), pita and hummus and cherry vodka/diet coke (me), and celebrating his ten year high school reunion. It was my first high school reunion experience, and it was weirdly fun, like a suburban high school yearbook came to life only everyone is starting to get a couple gray hairs and wrinkles (ok seriously--when did we become adults??). Since I've known Ben since I was nineteen, I always love getting the rare opportunity to experience a new side of him and his history. I also like parties and meeting new people, but as an introvert these specific types of networking events (crowded, loud, chaotic) definitely drain and intimidate me. Give me a quiet living room and a small group of interesting people and I can stay up until 3 am talking, but making small talk with strangers when you have to yell over loud music and everyone else's yelling is kind of hard.

Ok, now that the scene has been set, this is what I really want to talk about. What's always the first thing you ask someone when you're meeting them for the first time? Yup, the dreaded question.

"So, what do you do?" 

I generally do like hearing about other people's jobs because I'm fascinated by the different opportunities and paths out there, but I personally dread the question because I've struggled with a lot of insecurity over the fact that I've never had a traditional, easily defined career path. Not being able to respond with a confident, easy to understand, and suitably impressive answer is kind of like how I grew up with the unpronounceable name "Anna Vandervlugt". Ahhh-Nah, last name sounds like "looked" with a V in front of it. I'm used to having to justify, explain, and correct misconceptions but I hate it because deep down I really want to be immediately accepted and understood, just like we all do.

Ever since I left grad school I've struggled with a silly inferiority complex regarding my career path and job, which definitely stems from my two year stretch of un/under-employment. I never had to TRY to be successful when I was in school. Sure, I worked hard and earned my success, but I was a good student and was proud of the fact that I always held a high GPA, high test scores, good internships, and landed multiple full rides to top graduate programs. But then once I was launched into the real world, things didn't come so easily. And let me tell you, being in a group of apparently successful and corporate-ladder climbing young professionals and having to explain how you graduated from a top tier graduate program but now you're working part time as a field trip leader and babysitter and have no idea what you really want to do but all you know is that no one wants to hire you........yeah it's not really empowering.

But then I did finally get a full time job as an educator at a wonderful, well recognized zoo in Chicago, and all of a sudden people "understood" what I did, or at least thought it sounded exciting. But then came the follow up comments.

"Oh I've always wanted to play with zoo animals!"
"Do you get to work with the animals?"
"I've always felt bad for zoo animals..."
"That sounds...fun!"

And I had to justify that I was not in fact a zoo keeper or circus performer, but an educator who did outreach in underprivileged CPS schools around the city, and that in fact my zoo is a research and education centered non-profit institution focused on science and conservation, not entertainment. Then they were suitably impressed and I felt very proud of my job, but I knew in my subconscious that it wasn't the best job for ME, so I still felt crappy.

Aaaaaand now I have to explain that I recently quit my job and am working for myself.

Which makes me FEEL like people jump to the conclusion that I'm unemployed/broke again, which is probably an untrue story I'm making up to cover my own insecurities. Because to be honest? Sometimes working from home feels a lot like my life back when I was unemployed. I'm in the same apartment, doing the same things (blogging, sewing, working out, cooking), and even though EVERYTHING ELSE has changed, it's easy to forget how far I've come in the last couple of years! The truth is, when I was unemployed I was actually happy (apart from the whole uncertain future/being broke/feeling worthless part), because I was able to do exactly what I wanted to do every day. The only difference is that now I've figured out how to turn what I want to do, the things that make me ME, into legitimate businesses that bring in money. Small shifts but huge implications. Yeah, I'm a head case.

Does the question "what do you do?" make you feel uncomfortable and stressed out too? I'm starting to believe that those negative emotions stem from a disconnect between the ACTUAL answer of what we do, and how we truly FEEL about what we do.

Student/grad student/Nature Conservancy: Loved my job, loved telling people about it, but I knew it was only temporary.

Unemployed/substitute teacher/part time education guide: Didn't love my job, didn't love telling people about it, knew there was something better out there.

Zoo educator: Didn't love job but liked it enough to love telling people about it.

Self employed: LOOOOOOVE THIS JOB!!!! It freaking rocks. But now I have to figure out what to call myself, since there's no convenient HR department to write me a title and job description. I am the HR department now. And allllll the other departments. Hello career identity crisis!

What do you say when people ask you what you do?
And more importantly--how does it make you FEEL? 

I've been reading The Fire Starter Sessions by Danielle LaPorte, and she's got me thinking more about connecting with our feelings and desires. "It's better for your nervous system if your description of your current career or life status feels honest to you when you deliver it." BOOM.

It doesn't even matter what you do. What matters how you feel about it. This makes total sense! Someone might have an incredibly impressive sounding title but if they are constantly stressed and hate their life, there's no glory in that.

Now I feel AMAZING and empowered and excited to wake up in the morning, but I struggle to convey a neatly packaged description or elevator speech, because I don't have that official HR approved job title! I'm a small business owner, but that doesn't really say anything.

The short version: I own two small businesses--I'm an online health and fitness consultant and also have a handmade shop on Etsy where I sell scarves and (soon to be) watercolor art and paper goods.

But does that really tell you anything about what I do? I'm practicing getting better and more confident, because I am truly proud of my work and I honestly feel pretty dang successful!

The long version: I'm a health and wellness coach, and lead a team of over 50 other motivated and driven women just like me who want to make a positive difference in the lives of others. We run online accountability groups for people who want to gain confidence, lose weight, and learn how to stick to a healthy eating and workout routine for the long haul. I'm also an emerging social media marketing expert and trainer. I'm working on developing a lifestyle blog centered on empowering others to create a healthy balanced life. I'm a watercolor artist and wedding stationery designer (although I haven't made it public yet) as well as a handmade artisan and I design, sew, and knit one of a kind beautiful scarves for women around the world. I also love photography, and want to design and publish healthy recipe e-books and possibly a cookbook. My ultimate goal is to provide life or business coaching services to women who want to feel confident and empowered, meet their true potential, and design fulfilling, purpose driven lives.

Ummmm yeah. Did I tell you I have big dreams? I've been struggling a lot with trying to figure out what I should be prioritizing right now, and how to balance it all.

The other week I discovered Marie Forleo, a business coach and personal development guru who describes herself as a "multi-passionate entrepreneur," and everything started to click. YES! That's me!

I am a multi-passionate entrepreneur!

I don't have to feel confused or overwhelmed or frustrated by having too many interests and passions and dreams. I can run more than one small business. I don't need to combine everything. It's ok to be diverse, because ultimately everything that I'm passionate about comes together naturally because its all a part of ME. I am the brand. My family jokes about me being the next Martha Stewart and I just laugh it off because that's never going to happen, right? I have no idea what I'm doing. But. But but but...what if it could happen? What if I could be an internationally recognized lifestyle brand? I mean, yes it does sound ridiculous and I'm not sure if that would even make me happy, but what I'm trying to say is that I REFUSE to mentally dismiss possibilities purely because my current situation is not at that level.

In the meantime, I'll just continue to learn, read, create, and figure out how to define what I do.

Self Employment || Month 2

Happy Halloween!

It's officially been two months since I resigned from my full time job. To be honest, it feels like it's been a lot longer...maybe even a lifetime. This fall has been jam-packed with travel, weddings, events, the highest highs and lowest lows, and my own self-imposed overachieving business, but for the first time I finally feel like I'm starting to settle into a groove! Month 2 has been the hardest but also the best, and my anxiety is starting to shift into confidence. I'm doing this!

I stopped by to visit the zoo earlier this month for the first time since my last day, and it was the strangest feeling ever. Walking on grounds, I felt overwhelmed with this happy sense of "home," but at the same time I didn't belong anymore. The season had shifted and the summer crowds, lush green gardens, and hordes of campers were gone and replaced with golden leaves, a chill in the air, and dead crunchy prairie grass. My office was still the same, the people were the same, but also different. My workspace still has post-it reminders and lists written in my handwriting, and all my old supplies right where I left them, but Valerie has started to make it her own space and has taken on my old responsibilities with energy and grace because it's her job now.

It's weird to belong, but not belong.

Like graduating from school, but if your friends and classmates didn't graduate with you...

One of my main goals for October was to implement more structure and routine into my schedule. It's definitely a work in progress, but I already feel so much better and more calm. It's easy to get trapped in the feeling of "never doing enough!!" but I'm also starting to force myself to reflect, track progress, and give myself props for the things I'm doing. I have a lot going on, and if I don't give myself a gold star, no one else is there to do it for me!

OCTOBER ACHIEVEMENTS!

Personal
-Celebrated our 2 year anniversary
-Applied for and received dual Dutch citizenship with my siblings!
-Celebrated my friend Kate's bachelorette party with a nude painting class (so fun)
-Traveled to central IA to celebrate my college roommate and best friend Christine's wedding! (And was involved in a very scary accident along the way that threw me off for the entire following week)
-Stopped by my grandma's farm to visit on the way home from Iowa
-Had multiple dinners, lunches, meet ups with girlfriends
-We've been attending church every Sunday we're at home

Etsy
My Etsy shop ended up on the backburner this month due to personal events...but I'm ready to focus, create a holiday marketing plan, and ramp things back up!
Stay tuned for new sneak peeks :)

Beachbody
This was an incredible and potentially tipping point month for my health and coaching business.
-I am finishing up two awesome and dynamic online fitness accountability groups
-I'm continuing to host team virtual hangouts every week
-Two of the coaches on my team advanced "rank"
-Ran my first training program for my team
-Hosted my first mini clean eating challenge (stay tuned for November's!)
-I'm starting to figure out how to maximize my productivity so I don't feel sucked into Facebook and email 24/7.
-I now have 46 coaches in my downline team! AKA I am leading a legit organization! It's so exciting and fun and I can't wait for things to keep snowballing
-Earned my highest weekly paycheck to date (more than my old FT salary)

NOVEMBER GOALS

Now that I feel like the crazy, obsessive, unorganized, chaotic, hanging to sanity by a thread, endless weddings, push through and work until something happens phase is over and I'm starting to settle down and come CLOSE to some sort of "balance" (or at least a state where I can keep almost all balls in the air), I'm looking forward to heading into November with a plan. Here are a few of the top action items I want to accomplish!

Personal
-Cook a fancy dinner and have a stay at home date night every Saturday
-Attend church every Sunday
-Clear out our second bedroom (aka the junk room) and turn it into a work space! This is a personal goal because it is going to drastically improve the overall quality of my entire life.
-Get to the gym twice a week (I've been working out at home but need to take advantage of the classes and membership we're paying for)
-Yoga once a week

Business
-Be more consistent with tracking expenses and income so I can gain control of my finances and pursue opening business accounts (scary)
-Improve my existing Beachbody accountability and training group experiences
-Develop an Etsy game plan for the holidays
-Complete this Digital Products e-course and list digital products in my shop
-Enroll and begin this InDesign e-course !! so I can start to officially create and sell wedding invitations
-Establish and follow set working hours and a daily routine
-Start blogging on a regular basis and plan my posts, so they're not as sporadic
-TRACK TIME! Don't get sucked into social media or distracted. Be focused!

And with that last goal, I'm going to close this post so I can head to Starbucks for some focused and productive work before my sister Ella arrives this afternoon! We're hosting a Halloween party tonight and there are costumes to be made and food to be prepared.

Have a wonderful weekend!

xo Anna

Self Employment || Month One

It's a dark and rainy Friday morning and I'm sitting in our big oversized comfy chair wrapped in a fluffy blanket with my coffee, wearing my workout clothes because at some point I'm going to muster the motivation to make it to the gym for some endorphins. But for a little while I just want to sit here, soaking in the peace and quiet, and reflect on the crazy whirlwind that has hit me recently.

It's officially been one month since my last day at the zoo.

At the end of the summer I decided to take a huge leap and quit my full time job to be a small business owner/creative entrepreneur/life adventurer. I like to think that this is not the craziest thing I've ever done, because after five years of living in seven different cities, cross country moves, long-distance, and seemingly unending phases of being broke and funemployed, Ben and I are finally starting to slowly settle into a comfortable and stable place, so this decision wasn't actually a huge financial risk. I guess I'm simply unable to stay too comfortable for too long.

Even though I know that this is the right decision for my life and that it will work out for the long term, the last month has been a crazy and tumultuous ride. Being part of two back-to-back weddings definitely added to the emotional chaos, but being able to control my own schedule and work from wherever I am has been amazing.

When I left my job, I didn't expect to feel so vulnerable, unsettled, and thrown off. I assumed that once I could finally spend all my time on my "passion projects" and not have to cram them into early mornings, lunch hours, and late nights, I'd feel amazingly liberated and attain a sense of balance and fulfillment. That hasn't necessarily been the case. When you suddenly leave a job that you've held for over a year, and leave the people with whom you've been spending 40 hours a week of your life to work from home all by yourself and be responsible for your own success without a comfortable system in place telling you what to do, well, it's kind of a shock to the system. I've been lucky to have never experienced a bad break-up, but I almost felt like I broke up with my department. You tell yourself, oh it's ok we'll still be friends and I'll come visit and we'll hang out all the time and see each other more, but in reality life is fast and time moves on. Everyone is engrossed in their own little bubble of busy reality and it takes intentional action to make things happen.

Things I'm learning:

-to trust my intuition
-to believe in myself and the worthiness of my dreams
-that I don't have to have everything figured out all at once
-good things take time
-routine is necessary
-my energy slumps in the early afternoon, so that's a good time to get out for a walk (or watch an episode of Revenge guilt free)
-getting out of the house is the key to happiness
-I need to work harder at establishing work/life boundaries (difficult when I have lots of late night calls and webinars)
-I can't wait until I'm "inspired" to get shit done

The urgent physical feeling of "positive anxiety" is something new that I've discovered and have had to accept as a more or less constant part of my life now. I've been making myself extremely vulnerable by sharing my story, jumping into a marketing and networking-based career as an introvert, and turning my life into my work. I'm trying to channel that anxiety into inspiration and the motivation to keep waking up every morning and making progress on my goals, because fear and excitement give your stomach the exact same butterfly sensation. It's up to your mind to decide if those butterflies are good or bad.

What I'm discovering from my own experiences (and also my friends and peers) is that the "late twenties" is the phase in life to question your path, try new things, and figure out what makes you truly happy, what motivates you to jump out of bed in the morning and tackle each new day with courage and excitement despite the nagging doubts and fear. Don't settle for a certain path just because it's there. If there's anything that you've been wanting to do but have been putting off due to fear, insecurity, or simply because it's not "what people do," I challenge you to just take one baby step towards that ultimate dream, no matter how crazy it seems. Don't use time as an excuse, because we all have the same 24 hours in the day--what you do with them is up to you and your priorities. Time will pass no matter what, so you might as well spend it on creating a reality that you're in love with.

Say "yes" to your heart. Always live on the edge of your comfort zone. Accept the good butterflies, lean into the fear, and throw caution to the wind. If you chase your true authentic self, everything else will start to fall into place and opportunities and people will arise out of thin air to support you. It takes a lot of drive, hard work, persistence and consistency, and you will have moments of doubt that knock you down and bring you to your knees, but it kind of feels like magic when you have a random  moment when things all seem to be falling into place. For me, there is no other path than this one that I'm bushwhacking for myself out of the infinite possibilities of the future.

Here's to month two!

Self Employment || Week 3

This is going to be a messy, short and sweet post because it is Thursday evening, I'm waiting for Ben to walk in the door from school at any minute, and then we're going to be hitting the road to drive to Michigan to celebrate his sister Ashley and her fiancé Peter's wedding! I can't believe this weekend has finally arrived. I'm obviously really excited for Ashley and Peter, but I'm also excited for the chance to mentally and physically disconnect from my crazy world, spend some focused time with Ben, and also be able to make memories with my family, my whole wonderful in-law family, and Peter's family (who I consider my extended in-laws already...haha). It's going to be a beautiful blast.

Anyway. I wanted to throw up a post and just type from my heart because this week was amazing and needs to be documented.

The first two weeks of my self-employment adventure were unsettling, scary, and very emotional. I didn't feel like myself, didn't know what I was supposed to be doing, and it was really confusing. But I powered through, set some goals and deadlines, read and listened to as much uplifting personal development as I could, and tried to stop overthinking and overanalyzing and overplanning (the background image on my phone is literally a graphic that says "Under Think It" so I am reminded every single time I pick up my phone to get out of my head and just take ACTION). I did a lot of visioning about my personal and creative mission, allowed myself to acknowledge that I'm just starting out and I'll constantly be evolving, I don't need to be perfect right away. Basically everything is finally starting to come together.

Week three has been a breakthrough.

For the time being, I have conquered all the fear and doubt (it's still there, don't get me wrong, but I'm choosing to ignore it and smash it with my gut instinct which tells me that I am doing exactly what I should be doing, and that everything is going to work out even better than I can imagine right now).

Whenever you start to feel overwhelmingly happy or just content with life, do you ever instinctively start to second-guess yourself and suppress those emotions? Sometimes I don't feel like I DESERVE to feel happy when things are going my way. I feel like I always have to have some sort of struggle or difficulty to complain and vent about so people don't start to feel like I'm un-relatable, self absorbed, living a perfect life that is unattainable to them. Because things obviously will never be perfect, and the grass is always greener. So I start to think that "oh well, something bad will happen and crush my joy so I better tone it down and be mature and realistic."

Well, to hell with that. I am really happy right now and I am just going to acknowledge it and ride the wave. Because I'm sure there will be struggles and challenges ahead, but they are in the future. And in the present, my life is amazing. I know people are jealous of me, but I'm not going to let that affect how I feel. I am working for this! I am working my butt off every single day, doing things that normal people aren't willing to do. I wake up at 5:30 and I haven't watched TV in months. I don't even read the newspaper anymore. Every waking moment is spent either working on a project, planning, or connecting with my team and putting myself out there. If you aren't satisfied or happy with your life, figure out what is missing and then just do it! You don't have to quit your job. Just re-think where your true priorities lie.

I definitely need to work on building structure, boundaries, and work/life balance, but I'll get there (I promise, Ben!!). I am working hard to build a foundation and get myself launched, but I'm doing what I love and I wouldn't trade this for anything.

I get to play with gorgeous lace and flannel all day, walk to Starbucks in the middle of the afternoon, meet friends for lunch, and design a schedule that perfectly complements my energy levels and is not dictated by a commute, meetings, or "quitting time." I am in complete control and it is making me feel alive.

My biggest accomplishment this week was re-launching my Etsy shop and revealing my new brand, Anna Maria Locke! I've had a ridiculously large stash of fabric just sitting in my closet since last winter, and I'm finally making things happen and sewing it into gorgeous scarves! This is a huge deal for me. Go check it out!

Alright Ben's home, it's go time. Have a wonderful weekend!

Self Employment || Week 1!

Where do I even start?

The past seven days have been a whirlwind. I'm trying to live in the present moment, pay extra attention to my emotions, remind myself that it's ok to be a beginner, and document this new transition as much as possible via iPhone pics, Instagram, and good old fashioned journaling because I know it's something I'll want to look back on once I've made it through to the other side.

Friday, August 29th was my last day working full-time at the zoo. I put in my two months notice back in June, so it's not like the day snuck up on me, but it was still unsettling and bittersweet to leave my coworker-friends and the department I called home for almost a year and a half. I'd like to say that I drove out of the parking lot for the last time in a riot of glory, with fireworks and a Beyonce power anthem blasting on the stereo, but it was more of a contained, "WTF is happening," uncomfortably normal feeling afternoon. I felt similar to the days I graduated college and grad school--excited to be moving on to the next, highly anticipated chapter of life, but sad to be leaving memories and important people behind.

I am one hundred percent certain that I'm making the right life choices with perfect timing, and I literally can't believe how lucky I am for all the forces/opportunities/people that have guided me to this point. I don't know exactly where my path is leading, but I know that I'm heading in the right direction and I have no doubt that I'll be successful in whatever I end up doing. In fact, as much as I'm terrified of failure...I think what TRULY petrifies and paralyzes me is the concept of success. I'm used to the struggle, the grind, the process, and I'm scared that things are going to happen too fast for me to handle. At the same time, I am impatient and want to accomplish ALL THE THINGS all at once, immediately. Yeah I'm kind of a mess.

I think my first official week of self-employment can be divided into two phases: the north woods Wisconsin Labor Day retreat, and the return to "reality."

Phase one: Wisconsin

Over the past eight months or so, I've made some amazing real life friends through my health and fitness account on Instagram. It's kind of like online dating, but for fun, active, supportive girlfriends who completely GET you, and this community is what has allowed me to establish my own small health and fitness business and quit my job to pursue my dreams. 

This past winter, my Chicago friend Kathleen and I both individually connected with Kaite, who is a teacher living in a small town in northern Wisconsin. Like, as far north as you can get. Kathleen and I had been throwing around the idea of hitting the road and driving up to visit Kaite all summer, and we decided to just make it happen! 

Make it happen. My mantra for 2014.

Kaite lives in Bayfield, a tiny, gorgeous, welcoming lakeside community. We spent Labor Day weekend hanging out, being as active as possible, drinking wine, having adventures, eating delicious food, and wandering the wooded hills. It was a perfect weekend, especially since all three of us are going through some sort of life or emotional transition right now and needed some downtime to reconnect to ourselves and essentially use each other for therapy.

I've become so used to living in the city that I didn't even know how much I've been missing the outdoors. Being able to walk out the door and hike into the woods or down to the water is a simple luxury that makes me feel like myself, and as much as I love Chicago, and as much as I've grown accustomed to the hustle of the city, this past weekend was a jolting wake-up call.

I'm completely in love with Lake Superior. At least the summer version.

After an incredible weekend of trees, water, fresh air, and outdoor dining, it was a bit of a shock to come back to the city.

Phase 2: New Reality

Not gonna lie, my new reality is kind of fabulous.

But at the same time, it's coming as a complete shock to my system. Growing pains!

I don't have to wake up and get out the door at a certain time. I don't have to feel pressured to be productive on my side-biz's every night and weekend, because they are no longer on the side. I no longer have to feel fragmented and pulled in too many directions. I DON'T HAVE TO PACK A LUNCH! I can plan my day to suit my energy levels. But I am 100% responsible for my success, income, and responsibilities.

I'm giving myself the entire month of September to get organized, set goals, resurrect my poor neglected Etsy shop, and figure out what I want to accomplish in the remaining months of the year. My best friend and sister in law are getting married the last two weekends of the month, so I'm also excited to be able to focus on their big days!

Every day I feel a little more like myself. I'm working on figuring out a routine, making giant to-do lists, prioritizing what needs to happen, and the roller coaster of anxiety/excitement and terror/joy is slowwwwly starting to equalize. I just want to feel calm again!! For now though, I'm overwhelmed.

Overwhelmed with anticipation for the projects that I'm going to be able to finally tackle.
Overwhelmed with fear that I'm not going to be able to make enough money to live the life I imagine.
Overwhelmed with vulnerability because I'm finally putting myself out there.
Overwhelmed with gratitude for the people in my life who have enveloped me with love and support.

Out of nowhere, something small will hit me and make me extremely happy, like being able to eat lunch at home, going to the fabric store at 9am before the crowds, or taking Saturday off to relax and "waste time" reading and thinking.

This is a massive and extremely personal shift in my career and life. I've worked and wished and waited and yearned for this moment to arrive for so long, and now that it's finally here I don't even know what to do with myself. But I'm figuring it out one day at a time, and I am going to share my journey every step of the way.

Be careful what you wish for, 'cause you just might get it.